Confessions of a widow

I confess – I lie – a lot. Every time someone asks me how I’m doing and I say I’m OK. Every time I’m asked how the boys are and I say they are doing as best they can. Every time I think to myself that we are moving on. I guess I have become a compulsive liar.

The truth is I wake up most mornings and my first thought is how very deeply I miss my husband. I am at times almost paralyzed by how deep my sadness is. I miss his smile, his laugh. I miss our partnership. I miss our touch, our love, our snuggles. I feel like I am only half here anymore.

I feel relieved that there is so much rain. My own tears rarely come – it feels right that at least the skies are crying for me. The times I have allowed myself to cry, I struggle to stop. And my boys struggle so hard when I allow my tears to come. I think it brings their sadness and pain to the surface in a frightening way for them.

Honestly, I don’t know very well how the boys are doing. They do not open up much to me. It may be that they are boys. It may be their age. It may be all kinds of things. They struggle to share with me what is happening inside them. And because of that, I feel like I am failing them. I don’t know how to reach out to them and help them open up.

We are moving on – we are in the new house, the boys are busy with summer things, and my school continues. However, the emotional healing is very slow. There are still days that I get up and do absolutely nothing all day long.

My struggles are not only with the grief from saying goodbye to Tim. I have an ongoing medical situation that continues to impact our daily lives. I keep it private as much as possible because it is a largely misunderstood situation. But because of it, I am not allowed to drive at this time (and haven’t been for 10 years now). When my tears of grief start, they very quickly become tears of frustration, tears of despair, tears of pleading.

Another confession – of a different sort – I believe that God has given me a promise that I will drive again someday. I know some people may scoff at that, and that’s OK. I am not out to convince anyone. I just know what I know. But after this long, it gets challenging at times to keep holding on to that promise.

Today’s quiet time encouraged me: “God’s word is absolutely true. You may not understand how God is going to bring about what He’s promised you, but He is keeping every promise that He has ever made. He will never deceive you or disappoint you, and He will never change His mind about what He’s told you.” Charles Stanley

Isaiah 55:10-12 – For as the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return there without watering the earth and making it bear and sprout, and furnishing seed to the sower and bread to the eater; so will My word be which goes forth from My mouth; it will not return to Me empty, without accomplishing what I desire, and without succeeding in the matter for which I sent it. For you will go out with joy and be led forth with peace; the mountains and the hills will break forth into shouts of joy before you, and all the trees of the field will clap their hands.

As a child, I learned verse 12 as a praise song. It’s been good to be humming that to myself all afternoon. It has encouraged me to keep hanging on to God’s promise. And I even had a chance to add a few of my own tears to the rain today. Please join me as I continue to pray that God’s promise would be fulfilled soon!

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One thought on “Confessions of a widow

  1. The process of learning to live an entirely different life is not easy.Yes, you get up, clean and cook and do laundry but at the end of the day, something is missing. I know that children don’t like to see their parents cry,I am not sure what it does to them, but I think they believe their parents/parent is the strong one and can handle everything. I am not sure what books have to say about what children need from their parent after the loss of one. I do think they are afraid to upset you ,so say little, but they think. I have a grandson who has been showing up now and then and I know he is struggling with the death of his Aunt who
    recently chose to end her life. I am at a loss as to what to say to him, but have tried to ask if he can understand she was so very sad with her life she just couldn’t stay another day. I don’t understand this type of death, but I do know it is difficult for a teen. I hope I have said, I hope you never have a time when your feel life isn’t worth living, but there are those who have a mental disorder who are not feeling like we do.
    It has been five years since I lost my husband. I seemed to go on auto-pilot for several years, and found this year was one where it was a real time of feeling the alone-ness and
    the winter seemed to go on forever and I needed a bit of sunshine. You are much younger and when you tell people you are o.k., I think it is giving them something to make them feel you are doing o.k. and even when you know you are not, do people always want to know how painful days can be??? They don’t mean to be rude, I just don’t think they know how to comfort someone who is dealing with sadness. I have no answers for you, as each of us goes through our own bad days. It has now gotten to be a time when we can mention things that Dad did and are o.k. with it. I am not sure how teens do with this and I am wondering if you can talk to someone who has gone thru what you did and had younger children and you could talk about it. My children were grown, but I am sure they felt a great loss also. We have never really talked about our inner feelings. Maybe it takes a lot of time. I do know you will have many times when life is very hard and feelings are hurting a lot and denial isn’t going to change it. It is what it is. Best wishes as you take the journey of changing the life you had and wish you still had, but it won’t be, as you already know. Sue

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