Sometimes silence is deafening. The quiet in my house is so loud to me. We have had such chaos in our house for so long that now sitting in a quiet house is quite a shock to my system. For just over 8 months, we had PCA help in our house every morning for 6 hours and every evening for 5 hours. We also had a team of 15+ people that rotated coming in every evening to do range of motion stretching with Tim for about an hour. And in the past two months, the door was constantly revolving with others as well, coming to help me take care of the house or to visit with Tim or to drop off a meal.
The week after Tim died, the door was still revolving. People dropping off food, helping clean the house for out of town company, helping me make the plethora of phone calls that needed to be made. Only this week has the door finally stopped swinging. And now I have plenty of time to think – for the first time in a very long time.
The boys are in school and I have the house to myself. That is not necessarily as welcome as it sounds. There are many things that still need to be done – so it is quite easy for me to keep myself so busy that I choose not to think. And yet…
I don’t know if I am ready to have a house to myself. A quiet house. A house filled with memories of our family, whole and healthy. Maybe I’ll just stay busy for a few more days – and then we leave for a week on vacation. That allows me to put off the thinking a bit longer.
You see, when I finally start to think about it all, I will have to go back and start feeling again where I left off. About a year ago, I had to stop feeling in order to survive. I switched from wife mode into nurse mode in order to survive. Last week, I sat down and re-read my blogs from the past two years. If you know me well enough, you will also be able to pinpoint exactly when that switch from wife to nurse happened – it was very obvious to me as I read my blogs. Yes, I still shared from my heart – but there came a point that the tone of my blogs just changed somehow.
I know that to be healthy, I will need to go back to that spot and work through all that happened in the past year from the perspective of wife – not caregiver. I just don’t know how ready I am to do that yet. I am so grateful that what I have on my plate allows me to take my time and tackle each day individually. I do not have to punch a timeclock during the day. I can weep or I can play – or both – in a day with no one putting boundaries on that.
Yes, I’m glad for time to think – when I am ready to and as my Best Friend leads me to.