The hardest step

I think we are at the point of taking what mentally seems to be the hardest step in this journey. It is time to start hospice care for Tim. When I think logically about this, it only makes sense. But I am having a harder and harder time sticking to logic and thinking these days.

The reality is that by signing Tim onto hospice care, we are acknowledging that Tim’s time on this earth is winding down. Funny how 9 months ago, it was actually easier to talk about Tim’s death than it is now. I guess when there is still some distance, time-wise, it’s easier. When it’s much closer on the horizon, it’s much more difficult.

I’d like to publish an updated prayer list:

* Pray for Tim. He has been having some back pain lately. We’re not sure what is going on. He has also been napping quite a bit more lately. Today, he took three naps. Pray that he gets decent sleep at night and that he will start to use his Dynavox to communicate with.

* Pray for Luke. I think the reality of our situation has just recently really become an issue for Luke. He has 8 days of summer quarter left, and has 30+ assignments not turned in. He doesn’t do his responsibilities here at home either. Part of this is just normal teen boy stuff – he’s taller than me now, so he thinks he doesn’t have to listen anymore. But part of this is also the unique stresses of what’s happening here. He has always been the one closest to Tim and he sees that he won’t be here much longer.

* Pray for Micah. Micah has been working on coping strategies for when he is mad, but it takes time, and Micah is not a very patient person. Pray that Micah will allow himself to cry when he feels sad. Pray that Micah can find someone, peer or mentor, that he can trust with his feelings. He needs to have someone that can be a safe outlet.

* Pray for Simon. Simon has become the classic pesty little brother. He will provoke those around him until they finally pound on him. Pray that he starts to listen and watch for the signs that others are giving him. Thanks to God that Simon has a wonderful best friend that listens to Simon when he needs to talk about what’s going on here.

* Pray for me. I have gone through lots of stuff in my life – working full-time to get through college, miscarriage, losing my dad at a young age. Nothing has exhausted me to this level before. Emotionally, I am spent. And yet, there is still a black hole of sorrow that threatens to envelop me every day. Pray that I will rely on God’s strength every day to get done the things that need to be done.

* Pray for all the details. There are so many details that need to be attended to. Pray that I would get things done in a timely manner in all the different things that are going on. Pray for wisdom as I begin to make decisions that will impact our future. Pray that I would be intentional about what our “new normal” will look like.

I give our entire situation to God every day and appreciate all you who bring us into the presence of God as well. I pray that God will use us to further His kingdom in a mighty way. I’d be greatly encouraged if you know of an instance of this. Please let me know.

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