There are many things that I am currently in the process of planning or getting ready. Most are positive and, even at times, exciting. Things like starting school this fall. I can’t wait to see what Graduate School will be like. New classes, new ideas, feeling like my ideas matter again. And thinking further down the road to when this degree may be my way of “growing up” and doing what God has put a passion on my heart for.
Other planning includes potentially moving to a different house. Again – this will be positive to have all the kids in one school district. To be closer to friends and church. And to start a new chapter in our lives without the haunting memories always in front of us. There will be a bittersweetness involved, but underlying it is a forward-looking hope.
But today, I have been struggling with sadness all day. This morning, a dear friend and I interviewed the first of a small list of funeral homes. Now I have to admit that this is really a better way to deal with the situation than if I were to wait and have to make all these decisions in a crunch of time. But generally speaking, this just sucks.
After coming home from two hours of talking with a most wonderful woman there, Tim and I did talk about a few things and have come to a few more decisions. As far as that goes, I am feeling pretty good about our general plan of action. However, it has put me in a pretty somber mood most of the rest of the day.
It comes back to “this isn’t fair.” I shouldn’t have to be planning my husband’s funeral at the age of 40. I don’t want to be doing this. I want to be gearing up for a fun baseball season where the whole family enjoys nights at the ball park. Instead, I am making sure I have PCA coverage on those nights so that I can go alone.
I look at Tim’s body and just about start crying. He can no longer move his arms much at all. We were excited at his appointment at the beginning of April that a wrist brace would help him to use the wheelchair controls better. The brace finally arrived today and there was no smile from Tim. It is already losing its effectiveness in helping his independence.
His speech is limited now to a word or two at a time before requiring another breath. He often has to try to say a word three or four times before it comes out at all. His clarity is really getting tough. And fitting Tim’s personality, he is choosing to retreat into silence. Of course, that makes any planning together very difficult.
And honestly, he doesn’t care to hear much about any plans I am working on that are for just the four of us. Which leaves just what is happening now as topics of discussion. And neither one of us really wants to talk much about that. So there is a lot of silence in our house. Maybe that’s another reason why I am feeling so sad today.
Well, sorry to depress you all – but that’s what today has been about for me.