Personal Brokenness

Surrender brings brokenness before the Lord. I have been learning surrender for several months now. Surrendering my expectations to the Lord, surrendering my husband, my kids, my future, myself. As I surrender, I let go of what I think things should be like. It’s not mine anymore, it’s God’s. After all, He is the sovereign one, He is the powerful one, He is the One in Charge. I, on the other hand, am not. He is God, I am human.

I have started a new Bible study, Downpour, by James MacDonald. The first couple weeks are spent understanding God’s Holiness and then my response to it. Knowing what holiness really is will bring on a totally different response to God than what is commonly seen today. Knowing that He is separate, different, apart, perfect brings a worship response that causes me to lie prostrate at His feet, begging his mercy and forgiveness for my sinfulness.

I have personally felt that brokenness this week. I wept at Jesus’ feet for my sinfulness. It was cleansing for me to acknowledge God’s holiness and my “not-holiness”. It is freeing to tell God “You are in Charge.” It is humbling to openly tell Him how sinful I am. Over the past weeks, areas of resentment have built up to the point of being sinful. The journey I am walking is one that it would be surprising if resentment feelings didn’t happen. But I have allowed them to build to the point of blocking the way of love. Opening my heart for God to shine light on whatever He wants to deal with has shown that wall for what it is.

Now, I seek to become more intimate with a holy God, knowing that I am not holy. I am looking for a Scripture reading plan that gets me in the Word daily. I am looking to be very intentional about my quiet time – not just when I have a few minutes, but actually building my day around my time with God. Simple things that I’ve known for many years. Crazy how some of these things are just as applicable at 40 as they were when I was 18!

Here’s a brief update of how things are going with Tim:  Tim is still working full-time. He uses Metro Mobility to get to work and back. He is still using a power scooter and his walker at work. We have received a loaner power wheelchair that he uses at home. We would like to switch to using that for work, too, but have some other issues that need to be worked out first. Realistically, Tim is not able to walk much at all. He prefers using the power wheelchair, as it gives him some freedom back.

The bathroom remodel project will be starting next week. I am looking forward to getting it going. Tim really needs a bigger bathroom and a shower on the main floor. I am having to walk with him now to give the security he needs if he were to lose his balance. The bathroom we have is barely big enough for me to be standing next to him to help him walk in and out.

Tim continues to lose dexterity in his hands. His left hand has very little small motor use anymore. He can still use it in very limited ways. His right hand is getting worse. He is right-handed and is now saying that writing is becoming much more difficult. Thankfully, power wheelchairs are made with this kind of situation in mind and he will be able to drive his for a long time yet.

Prayer requests:

* Please pray for our communication. Tim and I need to have heart-to-heart conversations about many things. It is very difficult right now for Tim to open up about some of these things. Frankly, I’m not sure that either of us even really knows how we feel about some of them and yet we need to know and write down what our decisions are. It’s very hard.

* Pray for our family counseling sessions. Our first one is tomorrow night. We will be having some sessions with Tim and some without. I’m looking forward to having some structured time where both Tim and I and the boys will have a chance to share worries, fears, frustrations with someone that can help us sort it all out together.

* Pray for my decision about Bethel Seminary. I have received my financial award letter. It looks fine. Now I really need to spend serious time on my knees asking God what His plan is. I don’t think this decision can be made by looking the numbers on a piece of paper. Pray for that extra measure of God’s wisdom that I will need to make this decision.

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