In so many ways, I am becoming numb. I think back to the days of exhaustion from having a new baby. Those days when you’re so tired you can’t even think straight anymore. When even after a good nap, you’re still tired. This is starting to feel similar to that.
I wake in the morning knowing that I have to go downstairs, help Tim out of bed, help him dress, set his breakfast out for him, get his shoes on him, and have him out to the garage and in his scooter in time for Metro Mobility’s arrival. While doing all of that, I am also getting the boys ready for school – “Get dressed, eat breakfast, make your lunch, put socks on, brush your teeth, STOP PLAYING!!”
By the time they are all off for their days, I am ready for a break. But then my day is filled with things related to this ALS journey – getting Metro Mobility tickets & rides lined up, meeting with Accessibility Design to discover all the things we should do to our house to make it more accessible for Tim, setting up appointments for Tim’s wheelchair evaluation – where he will be measured for a power wheelchair, being around for deliveries from Reliable Medical, like a hospital bed or a wheelchair, or from Open Arms, which delivers meals for Tim. This is by no means an exhaustive list.
Then, there is dealing with the boys and making sure they are doing OK. Micah and Simon have transitioned to Webster school very well. They are both making new friends and participating in classtime positively. They are adjusting to doing a small amount of homework every night. But Simon is still very headstrong. He pushes me in every way he can think to. He is still meeting with Dr. Carol every week, and I am starting to see a little bit of headway, but not very much. Because she is using a play therapy approach, it will probably take longer. There are days when Simon’s “No!” is very reminiscent of his two-year-old days.
Evenings are now filled with baseball for Micah and Simon. Because they are in different leagues, we have baseball games Monday through Thursday, plus one practice per child per week. We are blessed that transportation is not much of an issue for either one of them. But now my evenings are filled, too.
In and through all of this, I find myself sitting and pondering a lot. Just thinking on how life is turning out. Certainly not how I had envisioned it. Dressing my husband is not the relationship I thought I would have with him. Helping my kids work through losing their dad at such a young age is not what I wanted to do as a parent. God is leading our family down a path that I did not anticipate, yet it is where we are going nonetheless. What does God have purposed in His heart through this? How can we use this for His glory?
In some ways, I am ready to move on. As I am loving Tim by taking care of him, I am also ready to look ahead to how my family is going to be changing. We will be a new family in just a couple of years. What can I be doing now to prepare for that time? I know it seems like so far away, but time slips by so fast. I don’t want that time to all of a sudden be upon me and I discover that I have not prepared us for such a big change.
So I guess it would make sense that I am in a new kind of tired – physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. I am working myself out in all these ways. Workouts tend to make one stronger, so I look forward to when that will be the case. But the immediate result of a workout is being tired. That’s where I am right now.