thoughts and ponderings

April has been a tough month, but I think we’ll make it through on a good note. After being sick for a total of 8 days this month, I’ve had many hours of time to just ponder my situation. I have felt the presence of Jesus with me through it all.

It is so overwhelming to know that I am not yet 40 and I am converting my living room into a bedroom for my husband who just cannot go up and down the stairs anymore. It is just not safe. What deep sorrow that brings. The frustration when Tim falls and we have such a hard time getting his legs to cooperate to get him back up. Starting tonight, he is sleeping in the living room.

To know that I will be on my own in just a few short years is such a huge burden. I am so glad to know that Jesus is here with me and that He has put many saints in my path to help me cope with all the changes. I know that I have people holding me up the whole way. People that come clean my house, people that drive me here there and everywhere.

I wish I had something profound to share. But tonight the only thing I really feel is tired. Tired of it all. I want my regular life back. I want Tim to tend to me when I am sick – not Luke, Micah and Simon. I want to see and hear Tim playing mock football in the backyard with the boys. I would just one more time like to see Tim walking tall and strong as he once did.

But, instead, I am waiting on a delivery of a manual wheelchair for Tim to use around the house. We have begun the process for getting a power wheelchair for Tim as well. It will take a couple months for that though. The ALS Association is checking the loan closet tomorrow for a hospital bed for us. I’m just really hoping we will have it by the end of the week. Life sure doesn’t turn out the way we think it will, does it?

I have found much comfort in music lately. Some of the best right now are songs that talk about strength. Matthew West has one “Strong Enough” that runs through my head all the time. It is so true that without Christ I just would not be strong enough to deal with all this. And even with Christ – it is His strength, not mine that helps me keep going.


2 thoughts on “thoughts and ponderings

  1. If I could make all things back to “normal” I would. I wish it were me and not Tim; but whatever reason God has, things are the way they are. I’m sorry for all you and the family are going through — especially what Tim is feeling of inadequacy __ it is more than we can bear alone. Thankfully and praise be to God that He will never leave us nor forsake us. HE alone will see us through each day as we surrender everything, everything to Him.
    Love you and everyone. Mom

  2. The human spirit is an amazing thing! When we think we can’t take another moment, we do, and we go on. With the Lord on our side, it is even better. Not easier, not without longing for the “old days”, not without tears, but we do it! (I know of what I write) You are doing well! Keep going sister!

    Love and hugs and lots of prayers for you all,

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