My brain has officially become a rain forest. Vines of thought twisted together to make no sense anymore. It’s impossible to take one thought out to completion without it being interrupted by a myriad of others pushing their way in. So to help me untangle this mess, I think I might air some of my thoughts here in my blog. Bear with me, please, this is going to get messy.
God has His hand under and over us. Little details – that’s how I know. Having Tim’s mom coming next week to spend precious time with Tim and the boys. Calling the nurse from the ALS association yesterday and receiving all her materials in the mail today. I’m continually amazed at how people are caring for us. We now have a cookie bin that is self- refilling! Next week, I will have an extra bit of spending money at Disney World. I now have daily notices in my email box about new blog subscribers.
What is God thinking here? I am not the right person for this job. How am I going to raise three boys on my own? They need their dad to show them all the manly things in life. Simon needs more time to rough house with Daddy. He’s not ready to just play board games with Dad, he wants to play football and have tickling matches. I just can’t fill in his shoes. Nor do I want to. I want all of this nightmare to go away.
But since it isn’t, and most likely won’t, I find myself wondering at how I am going to tackle this journey, both in the short term and in the long term.
I thought I had learned how to be willing to ask for help. For the past seven years, I’ve asked for rides here and there, and in lots of other ways had to be dependent on others to get past my not driving situation. But this is a totally new level of depending on others. At this point, without the family of Rockpoint Church, I would be in the fetal position in my bed most of the time. God, when will You be satisfied that I am no longer self-sufficient?
Simon is so very tender right now. He goes from raging to a puddle of sobs in less time than it takes to flip a light switch. We have a booklet written specifically for children that I think is written in a good way for him to understand, however, there is a small paragraph answering the question Do people die because they have ALS? It’s very important that this paragraph is included and I appreciate that the booklet doesn’t focus on this issue much (it’s only one paragraph out of 12 pages). However, I don’t know if he’s ready for that much information. He seems to need a little more, but this might be a bit more than he’s bargaining for at the moment.
Tim’s mom is coming next week to stay while I’m out of town. I’m relieved that she will be here. It will give her some precious time with Tim. Her daughter was killed in a car accident a few years ago, so this news has been breath-taking for her and for Tim’s dad. His dad has Parkinson’s and is not able to come next week. Lord, please give Tim and his mom some very special time next week. I’m sure they will have times that will include tears. Lord, help the boys to be able to understand that Nana is sad about Daddy’s legs too.
Laying in bed last week sometime, a thought came to me about a possibility of a part-time job that I could do from home. I’m thinking about approaching the principal of the virtual school that Micah and Simon are in. I’d like to pitch to her the idea of a virtual tutoring room. I could have set hours that I am near the computer and available for kids that need specific help with a lesson or concept. I have been teaching my own kids this program for 7 years now and have taught all of K – 5 at least twice now, some of it three times. It would be a win-win situation – a huge opportunity for the school to have extra help available for the kids, and a win for us, as I would be able to work, part-time, set my own hours, from home, where I could be caring for Tim at the same time.
I wish the pit in my stomach wasn’t so deep. It makes me get a headache.
Tim talked to his manager today about his promotion. His manager is doing what he can and it will hopefully go through next week. But things are kind of out of his hands, so it might not go through til next month. Please pray that next week will be the charm.
I think I have worked my stomach acids a little too much tonight. I’m going to quit blogging now and go to bed, where I will lay awake for at least another 45 minutes churning over all the vines in the forest tonight.