It’s a jungle in here.

My brain has officially become a rain forest. Vines of thought twisted together to make no sense anymore. It’s impossible to take one thought out to completion without it being interrupted by a myriad of others pushing their way in. So to help me untangle this mess, I think I might air some of my thoughts here in my blog. Bear with me, please, this is going to get messy.

God has His hand under and over us. Little details – that’s how I know. Having Tim’s mom coming next week to spend precious time with Tim and the boys. Calling the nurse from the ALS association yesterday and receiving all her materials in the mail today. I’m continually amazed at how people are caring for us. We now have a cookie bin that is self- refilling! Next week, I will have an extra bit of spending money at Disney World. I now have daily notices in my email box about new blog subscribers.

What is God thinking here? I am not the right person for this job. How am I going to raise three boys on my own? They need their dad to show them all the manly things in life. Simon needs more time to rough house with Daddy. He’s not ready to just play board games with Dad, he wants to play football and have tickling matches. I just can’t fill in his shoes. Nor do I want to. I want all of this nightmare to go away.

But since it isn’t, and most likely won’t, I find myself wondering at how I am going to tackle this journey, both in the short term and in the long term.

I thought I had learned how to be willing to ask for help. For the past seven years, I’ve asked for rides here and there, and in lots of other ways had to be dependent on others to get past my not driving situation. But this is a totally new level of depending on others. At this point, without the family of Rockpoint Church, I would be in the fetal position in my bed most of the time. God, when will You be satisfied that I am no longer self-sufficient?

Simon is so very tender right now. He goes from raging to a puddle of sobs in less time than it takes to flip a light switch. We have a booklet written specifically for children that I think is written in a good way for him to understand, however, there is a small paragraph answering the question Do people die because they have ALS? It’s very important that this paragraph is included and I appreciate that the booklet doesn’t focus on this issue much (it’s only one paragraph out of 12 pages). However, I don’t know if he’s ready for that much information. He seems to need a little more, but this might be a bit more than he’s bargaining for at the moment.

Tim’s mom is coming next week to stay while I’m out of town. I’m relieved that she will be here. It will give her some precious time with Tim. Her daughter was killed in a car accident a few years ago, so this news has been breath-taking for her and for Tim’s dad. His dad has Parkinson’s and is not able to come next week. Lord, please give Tim and his mom some very special time next week. I’m sure they will have times that will include tears. Lord, help the boys to be able to understand that Nana is sad about Daddy’s legs too.

Laying in bed last week sometime, a thought came to me about a possibility of a part-time job that I could do from home. I’m thinking about approaching the principal of the virtual school that Micah and Simon are in. I’d like to pitch to her the idea of a virtual tutoring room. I could have set hours that I am near the computer and available for kids that need specific help with a lesson or concept. I have been teaching my own kids this program for 7 years now and have taught all of K – 5 at least twice now, some of it three times. It would be a win-win situation – a huge opportunity for the school to have extra help available for the kids, and a win for us, as I would be able to work, part-time, set my own hours, from home, where I could be caring for Tim at the same time.

I wish the pit in my stomach wasn’t so deep. It makes me get a headache.

Tim talked to his manager today about his promotion. His manager is doing what he can and it will hopefully go through next week. But things are kind of out of his hands, so it might not go through til next month. Please pray that next week will be the charm.

I think I have worked my stomach acids a little too much tonight. I’m going to quit blogging now and go to bed, where I will lay awake for at least another 45 minutes churning over all the vines in the forest tonight.

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6 thoughts on “It’s a jungle in here.

  1. My dearest Barb, I will not even attempt to say that I know how you feel and what you are going through but I do know one thing….you posed the question to God about your not being self-sufficient however from where I sit I can say that you are one of the most self-sufficient women I know. No, you may not be able to drive at this time and no, you may not have an income at this time but you have a faith that will pull you through the tangled vines of this jungle. You have a network of brothers and sisters in Christ which YOU have built and strengthened through the years. You have a relationship with your boys which many mothers will never experience (even though at times you question it) because of the time which you have spent nurturing them and teaching them whether out of necessity or want it does not matter – it is there. For all we know, God has been preparing you for the coming times through your seizures.

    I sit here with tears in my eyes as I think of what you must face but I also have a warmth growing in my heart because I know of the women I know in my life, you are one of the few that I believe has the courage and strength to make it through this jungle to the paradise on the other side. If I could take on even a little of your pain or the struggle, I would do so in an instant but I realize that you are the one God chose to endure this situation, just know that you must not endure it alone!

    *hugs*

      1. I am so glad that I could provide a little encouragement to start you day; it is the least I can do for you =)
        Rose

  2. Hi, Barb!
    I read your blogs with tears in my eyes and amazement at how quickly life can change. I am also reminded that God sits on the throne and loves all of us with an unconditional love. Thanks for your thougths that come directly from your heart. Your honesty and transparency are so incredible!

    Please know that Tim, you and your boys are in mythoughts and prayers. I would really like to do more tangibly that can help.

    May God strengthen all of you today and Tim’s mom visit be truly wonderful and refreshing for all of you. Love ya, Barb!!!!

  3. You are loved and so glad you realize you are not alone. As soon as I work out some messes in my life, I will step up to the plate and help you out. Right now I have a rain forest going on too! Isn’t life grand??? So grateful that this is not the end of the story! Gotta love that. Don’t forget the book by Randy Alcorn, the children’s book on Heaven. I will be praying that will help you answer some of the questions Simon is asking. Praying for all of you.

  4. My friend Barb,

    First I want to say that I respect your courage in sharing these incredibly detailed and personal thoughts with your friends! You are such an inspiration through this tragedy.

    Second I want to share that my sister told me a couple of months ago that she was diagnosed with MS which is also a neurological disease. As we talked I told her that had just finished the book of Job. God didn’t cause but allowed saten to bring severe tragedy to Job’s life to show that his child would never turn his back on him (God)! Job ended up with his children dying, his wife leaving, all of his wealth and honer taken away from him, and great physical calamity to be upon him. All this to the point of him wanting to die. As he continued to question why God was allowing this to be put upon him he never turned his back on God.
    Each time she goes through her tests they find more spots on her brain which shows the progression of the MS. She is a single Mother who has been the sole provider of the Mother and Father role as well as the financial role (there has never been any child support). She has 2 teenage girls and 1 of them is has the same anger showing up as Simon has shown, just when my sister needs the most love and support, not more frustrations and hurt in her life.
    We talked about how having major life changing situations shows that God wants to bring us closer to him and put you under his wing. This is Gods love that most of us have never experienced before!
    I encourage you to read through Job and see that throughout his friends saying that he had sin in his life, he knew that he didn’t and was going to stay faithful to God no matter what. At the end of the book after so much heartache God restored his life and blessed him.

    I am sorry this took a lot of your time to read, but I care about you. God is watching knowing that you will not turn on him!

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